Last month I found myself on a public speaking course thinking Why! Why the hell am I doing this to myself? Paying a whack of money to do something that fills me with horror?
Other people don’t put themselves through this kind of ordeal. If I wanted a weekend of self-development what about sitting in a very large ice bucket or do some yoga in Spain, in the sun. Instead here I am, my voice tight, my breathing shallow and my thoughts jumbled.
I hate the idea of public speaking. This isn’t unusual, it is up there with heights and spiders for a big section of the population, yet here I was, facing it head on.
Does This Count As Fun?
There were 11 women on the course and as an exercise we rated areas of our lives on a scale of one to ten to see how we were doing in each. These were areas like relationships, work, home and health. For most of us one of our lowest rated categories was play, that is, how much getting out and having fun we were having.
For me at least, this is because play has been replaced (temporarily) by an internal drive to develop. To become the human I was born to be, before judgement, my own and others, set in. I am driven by my curiosity to see what I could be if I stop the self-sabotage that has kept me small. I want to be able to look back and know I gave it my best shot, that I worked to be the best version of myself.
Over the last five years this has inspired me to retrain and start my own business. It has been a leap of faith but the thing that has kept me from landing squarely and soundly in my new career is this fear of speaking, a fear of being seen, of being me and showing that to people. It has held me back in so many ways.
At the same time, an opposing force has pushed me on. A need to explain who I am, what my business is about, what I want to achieve and to offer my skills to support others.
Keep Practicing
Roll on to this week and I find myself at the local Toast Masters, public speaking group. Yes, anxiety is still high and now, instead of 11 women, this group is made up of 25 people, 80% male. But they are lovely. It is a safe place. I can practice here, be awkward, get things wrong and all I will get is encouragement.
See, I am great at self-awareness. I can easily think through and understand where my issues stem from, but for years I got frustrated that this changed nothing.
What I lacked was the bravery and, importantly, the self-compassion to take the next step and practice!It calls for courage to practice new behaviours alongside a healthy dose of kindness - the kindness not to judge myself ten times more harshly than anyone else ever would so that rather than sinking into a shame bubble, I can pick myself up, dust myself down and try again.
This has called for a shift in heart, mind and soul. Taking my mind from criticism to wisdom, my heart from judgement to compassion and my gut from fear to courage. With these aligned the fear is still there but I am ready to take the steps to try a different way of being, to push my zone of comfort and widen my tolerance for new situations. To practice without needing to be perfect.
Take Action
Self-development can’t just be about thinking, understanding or talking, it needs action too. As a person, I am chameleonic, I am comfortable mirroring people back to themselves and so letting the spotlight fall on me is tough. To stand up and talk in front of many people sent my chameleon sensors off the rails, like a broken tv trying to tune itself to a hundred different channels at once.
As women we are socialised to put others first, to be the enabler. We are not used to standing up and saying who we are, what we do, what we are passionate about.
But we need to add our voices and our skills to the mix. Our experience and knowledge is needed. We are needed.
Weeding Outgrown Beliefs From Your Garden
So my practice continues. I have agreed to speak at an upcoming event, far enough in the future not to instil complete panic! I continue to push my boundaries and try new things because it is here that the real lessons lie. It is in these moments that some of our unhelpful beliefs are exposed more clearly. We can see their outdated logic. The truisms we arrived at age 5, when we were 3 ft tall with no control over our physical, psychological or emotional safety. They made sense then, but once we see through them, it is time to stop letting them hold us back.
